Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am spending my child support on dildos
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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