When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
