I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
