I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize