Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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