I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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