Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
