You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
