I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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