I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
