well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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