Your dad touched me again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
