Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
