There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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