Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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