He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
