I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize