I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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