hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
