I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
