Sponge bath it is.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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