You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
