I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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