I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
