Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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