Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
