if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
