I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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