he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize