I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
