found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
