You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
