Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize