My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
