Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
