I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
