I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
