He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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