she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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