I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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