Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
