I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
