My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
