i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Swine flu is the new snow day.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
