I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
