So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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