I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
