It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
