Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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