Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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