my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
