I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mom said you looked used
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
