Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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