I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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