I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
