I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
