btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
