Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
