You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
