dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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