Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
