if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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