when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
