also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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