Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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