she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think my fart just growled at me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
